「ただいま」juju

So it's been a week since I've graduated from school and needless to say after  e-mailing countless people about jobs and freelance work, it's pretty slow around the house. So....after watching in Japanese drama called "Mou ichi do kimi ni propose" (which translates to "Proposing to you one more time") I decided to translate the main song for it, "Tadaima" by juju. It's a nice song and I like it but to tell you the truth translating songs are so hard! Especially songs that haven't even been transcribed and written down in the native language. I tried to look everywhere for the original Japanese lyrics but I couldn't find it anywhere!! So that just left me with trying to write down the Japanese lyrics myself. I don't know how many times I listened to the song to write down what she was saying lol but in the end I finished lol It's funny though because when I asked my friend to check over the lyrics and see if they were correct, lol there was one line that I thought I heard as 「夫婦知れば」but what my friend said and what she was actually saying is 「目を閉じれば」yes, yes I know Asheli is a complete baka LOL you don't know how many times I've laughed at myself because of it! But anyway, here's the song (and here's a link to the song if you want to listen to it:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqapj6_music  =)

 

-First Verse-

過ぎてゆく毎日に大事なもの忘れそうで       As every day passes by I seem to forget the important things

町の中ふと一人立ち止まる                        I suddenly stand still in the middle of town

愛してる?                                       Do you love me?

そんなこと今更ね 聞けないけど               I can't ask those types of things these days

不器用な　笑顔が愛おしい                     Your awkward, clumsy smile is lovely

かかえきれなくて 壊れそうな心まで           The seemingly broken heart we shared but couldn't hold on to 

当たり前に分け合えてた                         I naturally was able to share it with you 

いつの間に                                       Before I knew it

目を閉じれば　聞こえてくる                     When wrapped in your nostalgic gentleness

あなたの声が呼んでる                                     If I close my eyes I hear

懐かしい優しさに包まれたら                        your voice is calling me   

見つめ合うより もう同じ明日を見ているから        Instead of looking at each other, let's look toward tomorrow because

二人で歩く道にもう迷わないよ             When we walk together, I no longer lose my way

-Second Verse-

好きな色好きな空                                                Your favorite color, the sky you like

泣いていた 映画のシーン                          The movie scene you cried to

何一つ覚えててくれないけど                       you don't remember not one of them

過ぎた悲しみもそっと埋めてくれてたね              You even burried my overwhelming sadness 

今分かったあなたがいた                         　　I realize now that

すぐそばに                                     you are always close to me 

恋が愛に　変わってゆく 思いを重ねるたびに                  With each thought of passion gradually turning into love 

穏やかな時により添える場所へ　                  Tranquil times add to the place where 

見つめ合うより横顔がこんなにも切なくて    Your profile shot is much more heart wrenching than looking at each other

ときめくよりも深い愛、気づいたから                             Because I realized, love is deeper than fleeting passion 

-Break-

零れてゆく時間はもう追いかけない           No longer can I chase after time as it gradually overflows

大切に大切に 月日をたどって                                                                The precious days and months to follow  

-Third Verse-

目を閉じれば　聞こえてくる                       When I close my eyes I hear

あなたの声が呼んでる                              Your voice is calling me

探してた　愛はここにあるんだと                                                       I've searched for it, if love is right here

いくつ季節を重ねても                                               Then no matter how many seasons pass by 

色あせない ぬくもり                        I will never forget your gentleness and warmth 

あなたの声のする場所へ今帰るよ                I'm going home to where your voice is

ただいまと伝えたくて                            and I want to say "I'm home"

PLEASE DON"T TAKE ENGLISH LYRICS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND CREDIT. THESE ARE COPYRIGHTED THANK YOU

INFJ?!

So, my boyfriend tells me to take this personality quiz and I get the result that I'm an INFJ. After looking it up...yeah the test was right. Here's the definition:

INFJ: Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.
INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.
The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

This personality type...I hate to say it pretty much describes me, I do love creative independent task,but lately I've been scared to be alone with my thoughts... and myself. I feel like sometimes I lose control of my thoughts and start to scare myself. The alone time that I used to enjoy now seems like torture to me because I find it scary. I feel that in my mind, my thoughts have a mind of their own and I'm not in control of them. This is the way I've been feeling since summer school after I came back from Japan. I feel that even though I'm uncomfortable with it, talking and speaking helps me cope with my uncontrollable thoughts because at least when I speak, these thoughts go through a filter and I have some control over them... I felt this way 5 years ago with my parents divorce and these feelings have resurfaced. It's subsiding a little and I do find some comfort in being alone but it's not the same. I guess I have to let time be the healer and ease my suffering.

Three Years!!

Hi all,

  So it's been three years now since I've cut my hair and gone natural. It's been a crazy ride but I'm glad I stuck to it. My face and body and never felt healthier..plus my hair has grown out so much, sometimes it even astonishes me. This journey isn't over for me yet because as my dad has, keeping up with yourself and taking care of yourself is a life long endeavour. I just want to take the time now though to reflect back on my journey and see how far I've actually come. If you've been reading my post you can see pictures of me when I first cut my hair back in 2009. Well here are some pictures today of how it's grown. Now that my hair is getting longer, I do worry about my ends because I don't

"dust" or trim my ends like over women do that I've seen on videos but since I am graduating on Saturday! YAY! lol I'm thinking about straightening my hair (don't worry professionally, I don't trust myself with heat yet) for the occasion and I'm just really curious to see how long my hair actually is. I guess then, I'll get my ends trimmed and see how I can keep my ends nice and neat. Throughout this journey, I want to thank a lot of people that has guided me throughout this experience. First I want to thank all the ladies on Youtube for creating such great informative videos that girls like me can follow and look up to. Finally I want to thank my hair dresser Meeka! She's an amazing hair stylist that I would recommend to anyone. She's given me lots of advice about my hair and how I should treat it to let it grow and I'm really indebted to her for all her advice! Anyway, I'm still not at my goal length yet which is a little  bra strap length going down my back but I know that I'll reach it...maybe in year 4 or 5 of my journey. After I reach that goal, I think I might start cutting it if if gets longer because, if you have hair like me, you know how much of a hassle it can be with two-strand twist once you've washed it. It literally takes me hours to re-twist because it's so long. but, after I reach my goal length I intend to just maintain that length. Anyway, besides hair talk, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to my mom and to all the mom's out there that work hard for their babies! We really appreciate it, even if we don't show it all the time. So please keep doing what your doing and always know you are loved!!! Thanks moms! I also want to take the time to congratulate all the college graduates of 2012!! As I said earlier, I'm graduating on Saturday (with a shit load of debt!) but yeah, it's a pretty big accomplishment and I'm proud of myself! I'm graduating with a Japanese BA degree and I'm looking forward to using my language abilities in my future jobs so I couldn't ask for anything more (except maybe a more fair way of charging kids for school so that don't end up with a mountain of debt even before they have a job to pay it off...but hey, you can't get everything huh..)   

Ear Piercing

 

 So, I got a second hole in my ear a few days ago with my mom and sister mama. At first I was really scared so I volunteered to go first because I didn't want to watch the agony of everyone else and then have the anxiety of waiting for it to be my turn. But in the end it was like a little pinch to the ear and it didn't hurt so bad. Even though my mom said hers hurt a little bit because the stone she picked out was way bigger than mine. Then my sister mama, sometimes I feel like this girl is insensitive to pain. When she got hers done, she didn't flinch or move not one muscle! I couldn't believe it, but even  since she was a she

had a high tolerance for pain so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. But my other sister Nkenge, she was kind of jealous because we all got them and excluded her, but she comes home from school for soring break the same time I leave so I guess my mom will take her to get it then if she wants it. I'm pretty happy with my piercing though. I kind of feel a little liberated actually. I even found a pair of butterfly earrings that weren't that expensive. My sister both think they look childish but even if they do I can't help what I like. So yeah, in the picture the top one is the new hole and the one with the butterfly is the old hole. I actually got my first piercing done when I was a baby and too young to remember so that why I was so scared because I didn't even remember the pain and if it was going to hurt or not. But in the end it was ok! I even painted my nails this "fruity patutitty" color (that's what it said on the bottle lol

So....yeah =0

Hello everyone =)

Well it's spring break and I'm almost done with my college undergraduate study...and have no idea what I'm going to be doing after graduation. However, a lot has happened to me since I last updated so I thought I should share lol

First, I got a scholarship from the Mitsubishi company, so I'm 5000 dollars richer...except I have so many student loans it really doesn't matter lol but this money can help me get off my feet and sustain me for a little bit until I get settled and can start paying some of my loans off

Then, I started dating this guy =) he's really nice, kind if dorky but he's cute so it's ok lol we've been going out for around 1~2 months now and I really enjoy hanging out with him =) even though he's a year younger than me ..and sometimes I can really feel the age difference because he acts just like my sister. Not concerned about his future, needs he's parents to give him incentive to think about his future and get stuff done....and to make it worst he used to use weed and was even selling it when I started seeing him. But I told him if he didn't stop we were over so he's being a good boy about that. I don't know, sometimes I just feel like 1990 kids are slackers lol or maybe it's just the 1990 kids I know. But yeah, I'm going out with him =) and he makes me happy so I guess that's all that matters. In time, if we're still together I guess we'll have to meet each others parents...and that should be interesting.

I still have a little bit of anxiety, but it's not as bad as it was in the summer, and I'm beginning to stop thinking that I have every disease in the world and acting like a hypochondriac....that might be thanks to the guy I'm seeing, he relaxes me sometimes and I feel like I can calm down a little. Not to say that it's entirely gone, just saying that it's getting better. Although, when I think about it, I feel like I was suppose to go through this turmoil in order to meet Will. Now that I think about it, I really do think that because without me going crazy and freaking out during the summer I would have never went to my therapist, I would have never went on that online dating site, I would have never tried to meet new people and I would have never met Will. So in some ways I guess I'm thankful if that makes any sense. I just hope I get fully recovered so I can take something good away from this whole experience.

During spring break I'm going with my mom and mama to get a second ear piercing. I'm kind of excited but then I'm kind of scared because I hate needles but I've been thinking about getting a second ear piercing for awhile now and from my mom's crazy mid life crisis part II phase, I've decided to try and get it done with her lol and now mama's decided to do it too so it's like a whole family thing. After I get it done, I want to get some butterfly studs...like the one's I lost after practicing in the marching band when I was in high school (that's part of the reason why I quit lol because I don't like physical labor and I lost my favorite pair of earrings doing this labor I wasn't even motivated to do) but yeah, hopefully that goes well

That's pretty much everything for now, all the big things anyway....so I guess I'll end here for now

From the life of an anxious girl

Ever since I came back from Japan and took that psychology class and freaked out about the content of it, especially that Donnie Darko movie, all summer I had been worrying about returning to the former self I was 5 years ago right around the time that my parents got divorced. Since releasing those feelings in therapy, I now have just a lot of anxiousness and my right side of my head feels like it has a lot of pressure on it (physically) and now I'm freaking out about me might having brain cancer O_o I don't want to go to the doctor and pay a lot of money for something that I don't know could be just a result of my anxiousness and me always freaking out about everything, but I'm really tired of feeling this way and I just wish I could tell myself to stop it! calm the fuck down! but it's not that simple. I really think that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I'm not willing to take anti-depressants or anything like that because I still want to be me you know, that stuff changes you and I don't want that. I have been looking at natural ways to balance my brain chemistry but I have yet to try any of it because I've been so busy with school...speaking of that I have no freaking idea how I'm passing all my classes when I feel like this but...I am somehow.

To go on top of all this, about a couple of weeks ago I met this guy and for the first time I thought I was in love....well I at first I didn't really like him, but then he kissed me and I did start to have feelings for him...and that was during the first time we met. I know I did somethings that I shouldn't have done on that first meeting like..go to his house alone, but I don't know, something just felt right so I did it. after the first meeting I met him again and the more I met him, the more clothes came off I guess you could say...he was the first guy that ever said I had a smokin' body and that my boobs were fucking gorgeous lol and I started to fall for him. During the fifth or fourth time we met, he was the first guy to see me naked and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all with it...we connected so fast in such a short amount of time I didn't even know what to say. The fifth or fourth time we met though was the last time that we met though. After I was completely naked, I didn't want to have sex with him because I wasn't ready...and I told him I wasn't going to blow him either! after I said that I guessed he got stressed and started smoking. Now, I told him before that I didn't want to be around him when he smoked and I was a damn guest in his house! but that didn't make any difference to him because he still did it so I walked out. After I did that I felt so bad and used like I just was a useless piece of nothing and I partly walked out because I couldn't stand the smell and partly because I did want him to come after me and show me that he actually gave a fuck about me and how I felt...but he didn't. I sat down in the lobby for a little bit and then not knowing what to do I called him. I asked him to come down here and talk to me but he refused and he said "you can come back up if you'd like" at the moment I was pretty pissed and hurt but I didn't want to leave feeling that way...so I went back. The room still smelled like smoke so I went to the window because I just can't stand the smell. While I was standing there we was going off about how I can't make him change his life and how he never makes me do anything I don't want to and whatever...but how can he say that when all I asked him is to mot smoke around me, I'm his guest, is that too much to ask? I wasn't trying to change the way he is or anything, even though it would be better for him to stop smoking but I didn't ask him to do that. But anyway, after the smoke smell disappeared a little and he was bitching about the cold, I tried to sit down and talk to him. I still somewhere wanted it to work out because he was my first for a lot of things and I didn't want it to end after meeting him for such a short amount of time. After he calmed down a little we did start to make out again and his time...he took off my panties. This was the first time he's seen everything but I wasn't going to have sex with him I couldn't...and after he took them off, even though I wasn't going to have sex with him I still asked him to put on a condom...but at first he didn't want to and then he wanted me to blow him and I just could see myself doing it without some sort of protection....after kissing and telling him to put it on, he does....and for the first time I gave someone a blow job >< I still can't believe I did it because it's even embarrassing now to think about it. I guess the emotions got to me or something. Then, he fingers me...and it hurts....and I say that out loud. And then he gets on top of me and tries to put it in and it hurts like hell so I tell him no. At that point he gets up and goes on his computer and says that someones been waiting for him for 30 min and he totally forgot about this appointment because he's been fooling around with me...Now might I mention that every time I go and see this guy, he always walks me to the bus and I kiss him goodbye. But this time, he walks he out the front door and gives me a wave...I don't understand and I'm really hurt at this point because I feel like a used slut right now.Walking to the bus stop alone, I call him again on the phone and he talks to me as if he's annoyed with me and then...although I'm not sure if he was talking to me, he says "What do you want money, what about $2000" at this point I don't know what to say and I feel like someone just punched me in my gut and slapped me in the face. Why would I open up to such a fucking jerk. I hang up the phone and call my mom to only start crying and telling her what I'm writing about right now. Talking to my mom, he texts me and says, I don't think I'm right for you.... we have this long text back and forth and it basically ends with him saying you can come over tomorrow and we can talk about it if it makes you feel better..followed by, you know what maybe not, sorry if I hurt you. I didn't answer him after that. My mom's now telling me that I should just let her and her friends handle it so he can apologize to me properly and although I really want that, I feel like it's not even worth spending the energy on someone like that. I just feel so stupid that I let myself get that far with him. It was partly because I actually liked him and partly...or more than partly because I was just curious....I had never done some of those things before and I did want to see how it felt...but now, I guess I'm suffering from my curiosity now...


Sometimes I feel I just need a break you know, what the hell is wrong with me! I don't feel happy right now and I feel like I'm suffering...and it's not because of anybody, it's because of me! I feel like I don't have control over my own body, that I'm going to worry and be anxiousness regardless of what I tell my brain to do.

But with the guy, I feel like I wasn't in my right mind...or I was and just lost my sanity for a second. Even though I feel he did totally take advantage of me, it was my fault for letting him in and letting it get that far.

Post Psychology Class

      Well, I'm finally done with the first session of summer school and that means I'm finally done with my Psychology class!! That was a rough class from me mentally because it really brought up some feelings that I would have rather liked to have kept buried away deep inside me...but in some ways I'm glad that the class brought up feelings and certain paranormal fears because it made me realize that I have unresolved problems in myself related to my parents divorce and my own personality. I've started seeing a therapist and I'm not even sure if it will help but I'm thinking it will...talking out problems I have seems to be helpful I guess...but anyway, I'm so glad that class is over. It's not that that teacher was mean or anything that was the exact opposite! He was so nice that I could even earn an A in the class....and psychology is not my forte let me tell you! But the class was at 6, so after my internship I had to go right to class which was so tiring for me...and then all the things we talked about in that class were just mentally tiring for me, so after that class I just felt like I was going to break down. But I'm proud of myself because I hung in there and passed the class. It just shows what type of person I am for doing that I think. From this experience I feel like I've become a stronger person....mentally at least. I'll continue my therapy every Friday and hopefully I can become a more mentally stronger person and change my personality to be a more outgoing and flamboyant person.....even though I don't want to change too much because sometimes I like the introverted part of myself.


As for dance, I've started taking drop in dance classes at Joy of Motion on H street in DC. It's pretty good even though I have to take 2 buses to and from every Saturday. But I take two classes there and it's all hip hop based so I'm pretty pleased. The last class I had we did a pretty wide variety of hiphop dance styles including breaking, whacking, house, old school hiphop ect.. That was actually the first time I've ever done breaking and whacking and it's actually pretty fun (especially whacking) but my arms got really tired >< The second class I take there is more choreography where the instructor shows us moves he/she created to a particular song. I like this class too because I LOVE doing choreo! I hope by the time I finish this summer I'm able to pick up moves more easily and be able to learn more quickly....I also want to try out for the dance team again...even though I failed last time, I'm actually pretty nervous about it, but I hope the therapy that I'm going to can make me change into the person I need to get on the team. I think my problem last time was just my personality. I was so shy and timid that when it came time to freestyle, the part that they based the most importance on, I just couldn't do it because I was too embarrassed. I really don't like that part about myself, so I'm hoping to change a little.