Ever since I came back from Japan and took that psychology class and freaked out about the content of it, especially that Donnie Darko movie, all summer I had been worrying about returning to the former self I was 5 years ago right around the time that my parents got divorced. Since releasing those feelings in therapy, I now have just a lot of anxiousness and my right side of my head feels like it has a lot of pressure on it (physically) and now I'm freaking out about me might having brain cancer O_o I don't want to go to the doctor and pay a lot of money for something that I don't know could be just a result of my anxiousness and me always freaking out about everything, but I'm really tired of feeling this way and I just wish I could tell myself to stop it! calm the fuck down! but it's not that simple. I really think that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I'm not willing to take anti-depressants or anything like that because I still want to be me you know, that stuff changes you and I don't want that. I have been looking at natural ways to balance my brain chemistry but I have yet to try any of it because I've been so busy with school...speaking of that I have no freaking idea how I'm passing all my classes when I feel like this but...I am somehow.
To go on top of all this, about a couple of weeks ago I met this guy and for the first time I thought I was in love....well I at first I didn't really like him, but then he kissed me and I did start to have feelings for him...and that was during the first time we met. I know I did somethings that I shouldn't have done on that first meeting like..go to his house alone, but I don't know, something just felt right so I did it. after the first meeting I met him again and the more I met him, the more clothes came off I guess you could say...he was the first guy that ever said I had a smokin' body and that my boobs were fucking gorgeous lol and I started to fall for him. During the fifth or fourth time we met, he was the first guy to see me naked and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all with it...we connected so fast in such a short amount of time I didn't even know what to say. The fifth or fourth time we met though was the last time that we met though. After I was completely naked, I didn't want to have sex with him because I wasn't ready...and I told him I wasn't going to blow him either! after I said that I guessed he got stressed and started smoking. Now, I told him before that I didn't want to be around him when he smoked and I was a damn guest in his house! but that didn't make any difference to him because he still did it so I walked out. After I did that I felt so bad and used like I just was a useless piece of nothing and I partly walked out because I couldn't stand the smell and partly because I did want him to come after me and show me that he actually gave a fuck about me and how I felt...but he didn't. I sat down in the lobby for a little bit and then not knowing what to do I called him. I asked him to come down here and talk to me but he refused and he said "you can come back up if you'd like" at the moment I was pretty pissed and hurt but I didn't want to leave feeling that way...so I went back. The room still smelled like smoke so I went to the window because I just can't stand the smell. While I was standing there we was going off about how I can't make him change his life and how he never makes me do anything I don't want to and whatever...but how can he say that when all I asked him is to mot smoke around me, I'm his guest, is that too much to ask? I wasn't trying to change the way he is or anything, even though it would be better for him to stop smoking but I didn't ask him to do that. But anyway, after the smoke smell disappeared a little and he was bitching about the cold, I tried to sit down and talk to him. I still somewhere wanted it to work out because he was my first for a lot of things and I didn't want it to end after meeting him for such a short amount of time. After he calmed down a little we did start to make out again and his time...he took off my panties. This was the first time he's seen everything but I wasn't going to have sex with him I couldn't...and after he took them off, even though I wasn't going to have sex with him I still asked him to put on a condom...but at first he didn't want to and then he wanted me to blow him and I just could see myself doing it without some sort of protection....after kissing and telling him to put it on, he does....and for the first time I gave someone a blow job >< I still can't believe I did it because it's even embarrassing now to think about it. I guess the emotions got to me or something. Then, he fingers me...and it hurts....and I say that out loud. And then he gets on top of me and tries to put it in and it hurts like hell so I tell him no. At that point he gets up and goes on his computer and says that someones been waiting for him for 30 min and he totally forgot about this appointment because he's been fooling around with me...Now might I mention that every time I go and see this guy, he always walks me to the bus and I kiss him goodbye. But this time, he walks he out the front door and gives me a wave...I don't understand and I'm really hurt at this point because I feel like a used slut right now.Walking to the bus stop alone, I call him again on the phone and he talks to me as if he's annoyed with me and then...although I'm not sure if he was talking to me, he says "What do you want money, what about $2000" at this point I don't know what to say and I feel like someone just punched me in my gut and slapped me in the face. Why would I open up to such a fucking jerk. I hang up the phone and call my mom to only start crying and telling her what I'm writing about right now. Talking to my mom, he texts me and says, I don't think I'm right for you.... we have this long text back and forth and it basically ends with him saying you can come over tomorrow and we can talk about it if it makes you feel better..followed by, you know what maybe not, sorry if I hurt you. I didn't answer him after that. My mom's now telling me that I should just let her and her friends handle it so he can apologize to me properly and although I really want that, I feel like it's not even worth spending the energy on someone like that. I just feel so stupid that I let myself get that far with him. It was partly because I actually liked him and partly...or more than partly because I was just curious....I had never done some of those things before and I did want to see how it felt...but now, I guess I'm suffering from my curiosity now...
Sometimes I feel I just need a break you know, what the hell is wrong with me! I don't feel happy right now and I feel like I'm suffering...and it's not because of anybody, it's because of me! I feel like I don't have control over my own body, that I'm going to worry and be anxiousness regardless of what I tell my brain to do.
But with the guy, I feel like I wasn't in my right mind...or I was and just lost my sanity for a second. Even though I feel he did totally take advantage of me, it was my fault for letting him in and letting it get that far.
