So I just had a fight with my boyfriend and we are really in a love hate relationship right now. Recently it's been more about the fighting and hate. It started off as something small and just exploded into something huge. I was jealous of him because of the way things are just handed to him. He has never worked a day in his life and his parents spoil him to the max. No debt, no worries, found a good job...the life right? On top of that his parents get him a brand new phone as a "going away present" How could I not be jealous of his life right? I feel anyone would. I know it was selfish of me to wear my emotions on my sleeve and act shitty to him even though he did nothing wrong to me personally and only has shown me unconditional love but it's just part of my nature show my emotions. If I'm jealous, I'm jealous it doesn't matter who it is. My mom, my sisters, my dad, my boyfriend, it doesn't matter.
Of course when we get on Skype I'm a bitch because all I can think about is how this spoiled brat gets everything and I have to work just to get a crumb in this world and at first I didn't want to tell him, but him being the god boyfriend that he is wants to know what's bothering me so I tell him. I tell him I'm jealous and that I'm starting to feel negative feelings toward him. That maybe we should call it quits because we live in two different worlds. I come from a background where you basically have to work for everything and he comes from one where everything is handed to him. I was angry at this fact and hurt. I felt conflicted inside because the one man that I've ever adored is the one man that I'm beginning to detest because he's the spoiled rich kid. Of course he says "what can I do...I didn't do anything to bring this about ect..ect.." and I kind of feel bad for even bringing it up in the first place but since it's out in the open might as well clear the air...or make it even more filthy.
We start fighting at this point and I'm trying to tell him that I told him how I felt because he asked and that even though I felt that way it would pass and I hoped that we would give my some reassurance about the whole situation and my feelings at the time. Instead, he agrees with me and says that whatever makes me happy and this got me even more upset because when he was wavering about out relationship when his parents were telling us to break up, I soundly and surly told him that we were going to make it through and that anything he was feeling now was temporary. That even though he had he's doubts now, I would stay with him and we would be together another day. I tried to reassure him that things were going to work out, that it was going to be ok. I was looking for that from him when I was telling him about my feelings tonight...but that didn't happen.
He made me question whether or not he really wanted to be with me because not once did he state that he wanted me to stay with him. That he wanted me by his side regardless of what I was feeling because feelings will past and love will remain. He didn't say any of that. He was complacent and ambivalent to the whole thing. When I started to tell him about why I was even more upset with him, he says that he's not going to say that he'll die without me and beg me to stay while putting a ring on my finger. At this point I can't believe he's saying any of this because I wasn't eluding to any of that nonsense. All I wanted was a little bit of reassurance and not a whole fiasco about you're right I'm wrong, let's break up and forget about each other type of fight.
He continues to say that what am I going to do when he starts working 9-10 hours a day and comes home tired and I start complaining about how there's not enough communication. I tell him that I only complain about that now because when we talk is so precarious I don't know if I'll even get a good morning or a hi that day. I told him that we need consistency and that we should plan to Skype every night at 10 until otherwise noted. After that we kind of made up but I can still feel the tension with him. I hate to have to go to bed fighting because I never like fighting with no resolve. I do admit I can be clingy at times and over jealous and I'm trying to work on that but he also has his faults that I put up with too...so I guess we just have to work on it one day at a time. There's a lot of time an effort that needs to be put into relationships and there are a lot of different emotions involved.
At this stage in our relationship and the hardships that we've faced thus far with his family not wanting him to see me...to this transition period in both of our lives from school to work, the road ahead is so bleak and bumpy I have no idea where it leads to. In my mind I want and believe...I have faith that it will work out with him but sometimes I also need reassurance that he has the same faith that I do. It's all any girl really wants right? Reassurance that the guy she's with has the same faith in the relationship that she does. Is that too much to ask for? I hope not because with so much uncertainty ahead its impeccable that we both have faith in each other and ourselves. For my relationship it's not a question of being faithful to each other...it's of being faithful in one another and in our relationship. Maybe in addition to I love you...we should also say I have faith in you...
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