Three Years!!

Hi all,

  So it's been three years now since I've cut my hair and gone natural. It's been a crazy ride but I'm glad I stuck to it. My face and body and never felt healthier..plus my hair has grown out so much, sometimes it even astonishes me. This journey isn't over for me yet because as my dad has, keeping up with yourself and taking care of yourself is a life long endeavour. I just want to take the time now though to reflect back on my journey and see how far I've actually come. If you've been reading my post you can see pictures of me when I first cut my hair back in 2009. Well here are some pictures today of how it's grown. Now that my hair is getting longer, I do worry about my ends because I don't

"dust" or trim my ends like over women do that I've seen on videos but since I am graduating on Saturday! YAY! lol I'm thinking about straightening my hair (don't worry professionally, I don't trust myself with heat yet) for the occasion and I'm just really curious to see how long my hair actually is. I guess then, I'll get my ends trimmed and see how I can keep my ends nice and neat. Throughout this journey, I want to thank a lot of people that has guided me throughout this experience. First I want to thank all the ladies on Youtube for creating such great informative videos that girls like me can follow and look up to. Finally I want to thank my hair dresser Meeka! She's an amazing hair stylist that I would recommend to anyone. She's given me lots of advice about my hair and how I should treat it to let it grow and I'm really indebted to her for all her advice! Anyway, I'm still not at my goal length yet which is a little  bra strap length going down my back but I know that I'll reach it...maybe in year 4 or 5 of my journey. After I reach that goal, I think I might start cutting it if if gets longer because, if you have hair like me, you know how much of a hassle it can be with two-strand twist once you've washed it. It literally takes me hours to re-twist because it's so long. but, after I reach my goal length I intend to just maintain that length. Anyway, besides hair talk, I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to my mom and to all the mom's out there that work hard for their babies! We really appreciate it, even if we don't show it all the time. So please keep doing what your doing and always know you are loved!!! Thanks moms! I also want to take the time to congratulate all the college graduates of 2012!! As I said earlier, I'm graduating on Saturday (with a shit load of debt!) but yeah, it's a pretty big accomplishment and I'm proud of myself! I'm graduating with a Japanese BA degree and I'm looking forward to using my language abilities in my future jobs so I couldn't ask for anything more (except maybe a more fair way of charging kids for school so that don't end up with a mountain of debt even before they have a job to pay it off...but hey, you can't get everything huh..)   

Ear Piercing

 

 So, I got a second hole in my ear a few days ago with my mom and sister mama. At first I was really scared so I volunteered to go first because I didn't want to watch the agony of everyone else and then have the anxiety of waiting for it to be my turn. But in the end it was like a little pinch to the ear and it didn't hurt so bad. Even though my mom said hers hurt a little bit because the stone she picked out was way bigger than mine. Then my sister mama, sometimes I feel like this girl is insensitive to pain. When she got hers done, she didn't flinch or move not one muscle! I couldn't believe it, but even  since she was a she

had a high tolerance for pain so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. But my other sister Nkenge, she was kind of jealous because we all got them and excluded her, but she comes home from school for soring break the same time I leave so I guess my mom will take her to get it then if she wants it. I'm pretty happy with my piercing though. I kind of feel a little liberated actually. I even found a pair of butterfly earrings that weren't that expensive. My sister both think they look childish but even if they do I can't help what I like. So yeah, in the picture the top one is the new hole and the one with the butterfly is the old hole. I actually got my first piercing done when I was a baby and too young to remember so that why I was so scared because I didn't even remember the pain and if it was going to hurt or not. But in the end it was ok! I even painted my nails this "fruity patutitty" color (that's what it said on the bottle lol

So....yeah =0

Hello everyone =)

Well it's spring break and I'm almost done with my college undergraduate study...and have no idea what I'm going to be doing after graduation. However, a lot has happened to me since I last updated so I thought I should share lol

First, I got a scholarship from the Mitsubishi company, so I'm 5000 dollars richer...except I have so many student loans it really doesn't matter lol but this money can help me get off my feet and sustain me for a little bit until I get settled and can start paying some of my loans off

Then, I started dating this guy =) he's really nice, kind if dorky but he's cute so it's ok lol we've been going out for around 1~2 months now and I really enjoy hanging out with him =) even though he's a year younger than me ..and sometimes I can really feel the age difference because he acts just like my sister. Not concerned about his future, needs he's parents to give him incentive to think about his future and get stuff done....and to make it worst he used to use weed and was even selling it when I started seeing him. But I told him if he didn't stop we were over so he's being a good boy about that. I don't know, sometimes I just feel like 1990 kids are slackers lol or maybe it's just the 1990 kids I know. But yeah, I'm going out with him =) and he makes me happy so I guess that's all that matters. In time, if we're still together I guess we'll have to meet each others parents...and that should be interesting.

I still have a little bit of anxiety, but it's not as bad as it was in the summer, and I'm beginning to stop thinking that I have every disease in the world and acting like a hypochondriac....that might be thanks to the guy I'm seeing, he relaxes me sometimes and I feel like I can calm down a little. Not to say that it's entirely gone, just saying that it's getting better. Although, when I think about it, I feel like I was suppose to go through this turmoil in order to meet Will. Now that I think about it, I really do think that because without me going crazy and freaking out during the summer I would have never went to my therapist, I would have never went on that online dating site, I would have never tried to meet new people and I would have never met Will. So in some ways I guess I'm thankful if that makes any sense. I just hope I get fully recovered so I can take something good away from this whole experience.

During spring break I'm going with my mom and mama to get a second ear piercing. I'm kind of excited but then I'm kind of scared because I hate needles but I've been thinking about getting a second ear piercing for awhile now and from my mom's crazy mid life crisis part II phase, I've decided to try and get it done with her lol and now mama's decided to do it too so it's like a whole family thing. After I get it done, I want to get some butterfly studs...like the one's I lost after practicing in the marching band when I was in high school (that's part of the reason why I quit lol because I don't like physical labor and I lost my favorite pair of earrings doing this labor I wasn't even motivated to do) but yeah, hopefully that goes well

That's pretty much everything for now, all the big things anyway....so I guess I'll end here for now

From the life of an anxious girl

Ever since I came back from Japan and took that psychology class and freaked out about the content of it, especially that Donnie Darko movie, all summer I had been worrying about returning to the former self I was 5 years ago right around the time that my parents got divorced. Since releasing those feelings in therapy, I now have just a lot of anxiousness and my right side of my head feels like it has a lot of pressure on it (physically) and now I'm freaking out about me might having brain cancer O_o I don't want to go to the doctor and pay a lot of money for something that I don't know could be just a result of my anxiousness and me always freaking out about everything, but I'm really tired of feeling this way and I just wish I could tell myself to stop it! calm the fuck down! but it's not that simple. I really think that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I'm not willing to take anti-depressants or anything like that because I still want to be me you know, that stuff changes you and I don't want that. I have been looking at natural ways to balance my brain chemistry but I have yet to try any of it because I've been so busy with school...speaking of that I have no freaking idea how I'm passing all my classes when I feel like this but...I am somehow.

To go on top of all this, about a couple of weeks ago I met this guy and for the first time I thought I was in love....well I at first I didn't really like him, but then he kissed me and I did start to have feelings for him...and that was during the first time we met. I know I did somethings that I shouldn't have done on that first meeting like..go to his house alone, but I don't know, something just felt right so I did it. after the first meeting I met him again and the more I met him, the more clothes came off I guess you could say...he was the first guy that ever said I had a smokin' body and that my boobs were fucking gorgeous lol and I started to fall for him. During the fifth or fourth time we met, he was the first guy to see me naked and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all with it...we connected so fast in such a short amount of time I didn't even know what to say. The fifth or fourth time we met though was the last time that we met though. After I was completely naked, I didn't want to have sex with him because I wasn't ready...and I told him I wasn't going to blow him either! after I said that I guessed he got stressed and started smoking. Now, I told him before that I didn't want to be around him when he smoked and I was a damn guest in his house! but that didn't make any difference to him because he still did it so I walked out. After I did that I felt so bad and used like I just was a useless piece of nothing and I partly walked out because I couldn't stand the smell and partly because I did want him to come after me and show me that he actually gave a fuck about me and how I felt...but he didn't. I sat down in the lobby for a little bit and then not knowing what to do I called him. I asked him to come down here and talk to me but he refused and he said "you can come back up if you'd like" at the moment I was pretty pissed and hurt but I didn't want to leave feeling that way...so I went back. The room still smelled like smoke so I went to the window because I just can't stand the smell. While I was standing there we was going off about how I can't make him change his life and how he never makes me do anything I don't want to and whatever...but how can he say that when all I asked him is to mot smoke around me, I'm his guest, is that too much to ask? I wasn't trying to change the way he is or anything, even though it would be better for him to stop smoking but I didn't ask him to do that. But anyway, after the smoke smell disappeared a little and he was bitching about the cold, I tried to sit down and talk to him. I still somewhere wanted it to work out because he was my first for a lot of things and I didn't want it to end after meeting him for such a short amount of time. After he calmed down a little we did start to make out again and his time...he took off my panties. This was the first time he's seen everything but I wasn't going to have sex with him I couldn't...and after he took them off, even though I wasn't going to have sex with him I still asked him to put on a condom...but at first he didn't want to and then he wanted me to blow him and I just could see myself doing it without some sort of protection....after kissing and telling him to put it on, he does....and for the first time I gave someone a blow job >< I still can't believe I did it because it's even embarrassing now to think about it. I guess the emotions got to me or something. Then, he fingers me...and it hurts....and I say that out loud. And then he gets on top of me and tries to put it in and it hurts like hell so I tell him no. At that point he gets up and goes on his computer and says that someones been waiting for him for 30 min and he totally forgot about this appointment because he's been fooling around with me...Now might I mention that every time I go and see this guy, he always walks me to the bus and I kiss him goodbye. But this time, he walks he out the front door and gives me a wave...I don't understand and I'm really hurt at this point because I feel like a used slut right now.Walking to the bus stop alone, I call him again on the phone and he talks to me as if he's annoyed with me and then...although I'm not sure if he was talking to me, he says "What do you want money, what about $2000" at this point I don't know what to say and I feel like someone just punched me in my gut and slapped me in the face. Why would I open up to such a fucking jerk. I hang up the phone and call my mom to only start crying and telling her what I'm writing about right now. Talking to my mom, he texts me and says, I don't think I'm right for you.... we have this long text back and forth and it basically ends with him saying you can come over tomorrow and we can talk about it if it makes you feel better..followed by, you know what maybe not, sorry if I hurt you. I didn't answer him after that. My mom's now telling me that I should just let her and her friends handle it so he can apologize to me properly and although I really want that, I feel like it's not even worth spending the energy on someone like that. I just feel so stupid that I let myself get that far with him. It was partly because I actually liked him and partly...or more than partly because I was just curious....I had never done some of those things before and I did want to see how it felt...but now, I guess I'm suffering from my curiosity now...


Sometimes I feel I just need a break you know, what the hell is wrong with me! I don't feel happy right now and I feel like I'm suffering...and it's not because of anybody, it's because of me! I feel like I don't have control over my own body, that I'm going to worry and be anxiousness regardless of what I tell my brain to do.

But with the guy, I feel like I wasn't in my right mind...or I was and just lost my sanity for a second. Even though I feel he did totally take advantage of me, it was my fault for letting him in and letting it get that far.

Post Psychology Class

      Well, I'm finally done with the first session of summer school and that means I'm finally done with my Psychology class!! That was a rough class from me mentally because it really brought up some feelings that I would have rather liked to have kept buried away deep inside me...but in some ways I'm glad that the class brought up feelings and certain paranormal fears because it made me realize that I have unresolved problems in myself related to my parents divorce and my own personality. I've started seeing a therapist and I'm not even sure if it will help but I'm thinking it will...talking out problems I have seems to be helpful I guess...but anyway, I'm so glad that class is over. It's not that that teacher was mean or anything that was the exact opposite! He was so nice that I could even earn an A in the class....and psychology is not my forte let me tell you! But the class was at 6, so after my internship I had to go right to class which was so tiring for me...and then all the things we talked about in that class were just mentally tiring for me, so after that class I just felt like I was going to break down. But I'm proud of myself because I hung in there and passed the class. It just shows what type of person I am for doing that I think. From this experience I feel like I've become a stronger person....mentally at least. I'll continue my therapy every Friday and hopefully I can become a more mentally stronger person and change my personality to be a more outgoing and flamboyant person.....even though I don't want to change too much because sometimes I like the introverted part of myself.


As for dance, I've started taking drop in dance classes at Joy of Motion on H street in DC. It's pretty good even though I have to take 2 buses to and from every Saturday. But I take two classes there and it's all hip hop based so I'm pretty pleased. The last class I had we did a pretty wide variety of hiphop dance styles including breaking, whacking, house, old school hiphop ect.. That was actually the first time I've ever done breaking and whacking and it's actually pretty fun (especially whacking) but my arms got really tired >< The second class I take there is more choreography where the instructor shows us moves he/she created to a particular song. I like this class too because I LOVE doing choreo! I hope by the time I finish this summer I'm able to pick up moves more easily and be able to learn more quickly....I also want to try out for the dance team again...even though I failed last time, I'm actually pretty nervous about it, but I hope the therapy that I'm going to can make me change into the person I need to get on the team. I think my problem last time was just my personality. I was so shy and timid that when it came time to freestyle, the part that they based the most importance on, I just couldn't do it because I was too embarrassed. I really don't like that part about myself, so I'm hoping to change a little.

Religion and the paranormal

Ok, So as some may or may not know, I'm taking an abnormal psychology class and can I say I don't do well with abnormal. Ever since I've been taking this class I've felt the distress and trauma I went through for five years during and post my parents divorce. I would cry like three times a day and have sudden panic attacks....it was really scary because I thought I was going insane but when I called my mom one day crying trying to explain to her what was happening to me, she pointed out that I'm a hypochondriac...I always think something is wrong with me...and I mean I'm like an extreme one. When I have a headache, I automatically have a tumor or brain cancer and I'm ready to get an MRI brain scan. When my stomach hurts...hmmm maybe I have an ulcer. When it's that time of the month for me and my boobs get score and the tissue gets a little lumpy....OMG I think I have breast cancer. I really do think like that and even if I know that it's crazy, I can't help it. After my mom pointed that out to me, I figured out that I was going crazy because I was associating myself with all the disorders that were described in the textbook. I would panic because I thought maybe I have that and I needed to be put on drugs to correct my chemical imbalance in my brain...see, I really can't stop....It's so bad that I'm going to see a therapist about it...but at least I recognize that I have a problem...that's the first step to recovery right? After putting down my psychology book and listening to my mom I feel A LOT better. Even though I still kind of have panic attacks when I think about it it's not as bad as when I was reading the book and worrying myself to death...and I mean that literally. The only problem is that if I'm scared to read the book....how am I going to pass the class!! I'm going to bring it up with my therapist (LOL I said my therapist) and see if he can help me because if I have to read that book again I think I'm going to go crazy. I was also thinking about getting a study buddy and studying the material together...so I won't have to go crazy alone....(there's this girl in my Japanese class that's also in the psychology class I'm taking) so maybe I can ask her for help)=
Well when I first started the psychology class I was ok you know, but it was only when I saw this movie in class called "Donnie Darko" or something like that, that I started to freak out. I can't stomach religious or paranormal stuff, it freaks me out and I constantly think about it if I'm exposed to it. That's why I can't watch movies like the exorcist or anything that has to do with ghost or religion or anything! it just freaks me out...so yeah I think that's what started it for me...that movie...now I can't even stomach being in the class ( even though I don't know how that is associated together, my mind just works in mysterious ways.

Being Organic...kind of

Two years after cutting my hair

         One of the best things that's happened to me since going natural with my hair, is learning about all the organic natural products that are better for your hair and for your health. Since my big chop, I've been making a conscious effort to take good care of my hair and skin and the results are amazing!! In the last post about hair my straightened hair reaches just a little past my shoulders (damn you shrinkage!! if only I could have my hair that long all the time!!!), and that's only been two years of growth! I can't believe how fast it's growing. It just seemed like yesterday that I cut all my hair off and my hair was...maybe 3 inches from my head! It's really been a journey that I am looking forward to continuing ^o^v

4 months after cutting my hair

          As for products, my hair, like most natural black hair, is VERY dry, so I have to use products that give my hair moisture...The lady that cut my hair recommended to me Jane Carter Solutions hair care products and I have to say that it's been working for me. In my regimen I use the Jane Carter Shampoo, Curl definer cream, Nourish and Shine Shea butter and the leave in conditioner. It leaves my hair pretty soft and manageable for styling. That's about all the product I put in my hair....let's see for my regimen, I usually wash my hair once a week or maybe once every two weeks depending on how busy I am. It takes pretty much a whole day to wash and style my hair, so whenever I have to wash it..I have to plan out my whole day around it. That's another thing about my hair growth. I've looked at countless YouTube videos of ladies doing the same thing I am. One of the things they have in common, though there regimes and products are different, is leaving their hair alone! Just putting your hair in protective styles and leaving it alone (that means not touching and styling it everyday!!) leads to a HUGE amount of growth for your hair. JUST LEAVE IT ALONE lol and let it grow. I know it can be boring and trust me I get frustrated too because natural hair doesn't seem like it's growing because of shrinkage but trust me, it is! You just have to leave it alone.
           My target hair length is....that place where your bra ends on your side...I guess torso length? and that length is when my hair is straightened....lord only knows how long that would be if it was shrunk and natural!
        OK! Now let's talk about skin. The end of my middle school and all of my high school career, I have had really bad acne. I was just looking at my prom pictures the other day and my acne was pretty bad!! I think it all started around the time I first got my period...but yeah after graduating from high school and going on to college, I was really determined to get my skin together!!! I have really really REALLY oily skin (it's not so oily now as back then..but it's pretty oily) At first, I tried clean and clear acne treatment and at first it did show signs that it was working but continuing it...my face really dried out and made things worse so that wasn't for me. Then my mom's friend recommended that I try Proactiv and that did work for me for a while...my skin did clear up when I was using it but after a while, I just felt that it wasn't working anymore. Maybe my face got immune to it or what I have no idea but after a year or so of using it, my face relapsed and I returned to my acne pron self again. So when I transferred to Georgetown, I was really determined to make my face clear!!!! One day when I was eating in the cafeteria....alone (T^T yes being the new girl in a school sucks because you have no friends) I called my sister and she was with her friend riding in a car somewhere....anyway that's not important! The important thing is that her friend recommended skin ID to me. At first I thought that it would be just like proactiv and only work for a little bit, but he was pretty certain about it, so I gave it a try. At first, it worked pretty well! I was amazed at the results but then continuing to use it, my face was getting really dry. I liked the way the cleanser and the acne treatment worked on my face, but the toner was just too strong and would dry out my face immediately after I put it on. So, I decided to look for another toner. At first I used a local store brand but that didn't work because it was..maybe even stronger than the skin id one..(plus it has alcohol in it that REALLY dried out my face) Then I remembered the proactiv toner, it was mild and I liked the way in felt on my face when I used it so I went back to that toner and mixed it with the skin ID cleanser and acne treatment and that's what I use today! It really worked for my skin and gave me that balance that I needed.
           However, the one thing that I think helped out the most...even though you couldn't see it right away is going natural with my hair and not continuing with perming. All those chemicals in perms and putting that in my hair every two weeks I think really did a number on my face. Although I had been getting perms since I was really young (like 6 or 7) after I started to hit puberty and I got my period, all those hormones already started to take a toll on my face and then mixed with the chemicals from perms I'm just thinking that maybe after quitting with the perms and chemicals, my face had a chance to re-balance itself. It's just a theory and I'm not sure about it but I just have a strong sense that, that was one of the causes of my acne.
       Also I have to mention that all these products I've mentioned alone doesn't grow your hair and make your face clean! You have to always pair these products with lifestyle changes to see results. Since I've been on this journey, I've changed my eating habits to eat healthier (I basically drink water and RARELY drink soda for example) I wash my hair on a regular basis that is consistent with my hair regimen and...yeah basically take care of myself! That paired with the right products can make amazing results for anyone!  
         Anyway, for all those on a hair growth journey or looking to clear up there skin, don't give up hope and be consistent! thanks for reading ^ ^